I jokes

If i had a pound for every 'Brexit' joke on here...

I'd still only have about 5 cents.

Two people walk into a bar.

They see that the bartender is Eminem.

"Two shots please", one of them tells him

"Sorry. You only get one shot"

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

Whats the difference between a spear and a feminist?

A spear has a point

I visited my friend at his new house.

He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer...

The officer asks him, "Sir, do you realize this is against the law?"

The man replies, "No, sir, it's against the wall."

What does a Blue Whale do on a date?

Netflix and Krill.

What's this "✌"?

A Roman ordering 5 more beers.

joke by Art Pozner. He told me I could take it with me, and in his honor, you can take it with you.

I like to start every morning with a good fuck.

Oh fuck...it's time to get up.

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

If you go around grabbing women by the pussy...

...at some point you'll get caught red-handed.

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied. "No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested. So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

Know what’s ironic?

A computer asking me if I’m a robot.

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”

He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”

A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture.

Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.

"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."

People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Miserable fucking Bitch.