I jokes

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

A woman goes to the doctor. “Please help. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The doctor says “are you taking anything for it?”

The woman says “Yes. Pepper.”

So a photon checks into a hotel...

Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?" Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"

To the guy that found my empty wallet...

I don't know how to repay you.

If you ever feel your job is pointless.

Just remember: there is some bloke in Germany putting indicators on BMWs

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

You know he's guilty.

My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft!

Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle?

the Polar Bear

How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex.

I called her.

Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, “hey I know what you’re about to do, and I won’t pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It’s been a really long time.

She replies, no you sicko!”

So he says “it’s cool. I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

My wife just gave birth to our son on an aeroplane!

He was airborne

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous

For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.