I jokes

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

A man asks a woman how to spell “yacht”

Woman: “Y-A-H-T”

Man: “where’s the C”

Woman: “under the fucking yacht”

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

Doctor told me it was perfectly normal to get an erection during the prostate exam

- " But doctor, I don't have an erection"

- "I do, but it's perfectly normal"

You know what gets me down?

An extra Chromsome

What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

A hooker walked up to me....

And said "I'll suck your dick for $20."

I said "Let me see the $20 first."

I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer.

Two old guys were chatting in the park.

"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Hello, I'd like a hamburger please."

The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."

The man apologizes, then whispers ^"I'd ^like ^a ^hamburger ^please."

A plane is about to crash

A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."

I've been having hallucinations lately.

I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company?

One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.

Dodged the bullet

A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.