A police officer spots an elderly woman carrying two large sacks, one leaking $20 bills. He asks her, "Where did you get all that money?" She explains, "There's a golf course behind my house. When golfers pee through a hole in my fence, I threaten to cut it off unless they pay $20."
The cop asks about the other sack. She replies, "Not everyone pays."
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: "What companies are those?"
Me: "The electricity company and the water company."
My flat earther friend decided to prove his theory by walking to the end of the world
In the end, he came around.
What do we want ?
rights for midgets
when do we want them ?
shortly
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now...
But nooooooo! The mother fucker is still alive.
My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.
"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."
My girlfriend enjoys "doggy style" in the bedroom.
I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
My wife keeps trying to give me a blowjob while on the treadmill
Its the worst running gag of all time
Couples Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?
Her: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.
Me: My truck.
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.
I was gonna make a joke about memory loss
I think
I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...
On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
what stops a clown from laughing
a bullet
" doctor I can't stop singing What's New Pussycat."
" I think you might have Tom Jones syndrome." " is it rare?" " it's not unusual."
If someone asks you to spell part backwards. Don't
It's a trap.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered six offender.
I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.
I absolutely hate when they ask “Where did you get it?” “Why is it in a bucket?”