I jokes

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

I hate circles.

They're pointless.

If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?

Independent

Where do dogs go when their tail falls off?

The retail store

Cutest joke ever

What does a red grape tell a purple grape? Breathe, you idiot! Breathe!!

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

The doctor told me the only chance my wife in a coma had of coming to was by performing oral sex. I tried for 15 minutes...

But she just choked the whole time.

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

##

I was going to tell a gay joke

Butt fuck it

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

I'm socially constipated...

I haven't given a shit in years

When I found out my toaster was not waterproof...

I was SHOCKED

How much memory does it take to store a joke?

1 Gigglebyte.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

You're riding a horse full speed, a man on a giraffe at your side, and a ferocious lion in hot pursuit. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP