I jokes

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while

A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says:

-Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar.

The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him:

-What does the Priest give to people for anal sex?

-Usually a hamburger and a coke.

Hindus are so chill

i’ve never had beef with any of them

My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: My hip replacement.

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black.

How I lost my Teeth

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”

I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.

So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

My dental surgery is this Friday!.

I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...

So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.

If the USSR got back together

Would it be called the Soviet Reunion?

I had to cancel my dsylexics meeting tonight

I never go out on Friday the 13th

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...

...never to be heard from again.

I was once cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store.

I was caught between a Rock and a card place.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Ladies call me Subway...

because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

I'd tell you a joke about healthcare...

...but the Americans would struggle to get it.

What is the most sensitive thing on a man when he is masturbating?

His hearing.

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

My best friend and I just started a business where we weigh microscopic objects.

It’s ..a small scale operation.