I jokes

A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer...

The officer asks him, "Sir, do you realize this is against the law?"

The man replies, "No, sir, it's against the wall."

What does a Blue Whale do on a date?

Netflix and Krill.

What's this "✌"?

A Roman ordering 5 more beers.

joke by Art Pozner. He told me I could take it with me, and in his honor, you can take it with you.

I like to start every morning with a good fuck.

Oh fuck...it's time to get up.

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

If you go around grabbing women by the pussy...

...at some point you'll get caught red-handed.

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied. "No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested. So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

Know what’s ironic?

A computer asking me if I’m a robot.

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”

He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”

A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture.

Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.

"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."

People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Miserable fucking Bitch.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"

Optimist: "Of course they can!"

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

I just discovered that I can talk to cats

They probably don't understand me but still

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.