I jokes

Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day

Call that luck of the IRS.

I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...

Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone...

No "F"s given.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

Educated People are hot

Why?

Because they have more degrees.

What do you call two crows on a branch?

Attempted murder.

Wanna hear a sodium joke?

Na

I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.

Once he went though, He said, 'Sank you'.

I Swore at him and kicked him in the Shin.

I Then said, 'Never bring up Pearl Harbor like that'

A drunk man at a bar shouts "all lawyers are assholes!"

Another man replies "TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole"

What do you call an overweight baby?

Heavy infantry

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon

The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.

I love the smell of my F5 key.

It's so refreshing.

As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod. 2. I am allowed to make dad jokes. 3. I am a certified mother fucker.

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother