Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.
Wizard: He has spells?
Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"
Four Karens are sitting in a restaurant...
A waitress comes up to their table and says "Good afternoon ladies, is anything alright?"
What do you call immigrants to Sweden?
Artificial Swedeners
A drunk man walks into a bakery...
He approaches the baker and says "I fucked your mother!"
On which the baker replies "Go home dad"
What goes "Chest, Chest, Chest, Chest"?
A T Rex doing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes".
A political joke for both sides:
Joe Biden has forgotten more about governing than Trump ever learned.
My friend met his wife on tinder
...It was six months after their wedding
A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....
I’m
going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again
anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be
enough for both of us
Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”
Dracula - “Vie.”
Me - “It’s for a crossword.”
I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.
I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went...
...then it dawned on me.
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job?
It was all over the news!
(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)
What do you say when your English teacher is crying?
"There, their, they're".
My deaf sibling asked if i wanted to hear a joke
I replied “sure”
They said “me too”
I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.
Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.
my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders:
Spiders make Websites.
she's not wrong.
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week...
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?
A "Pi"-thon.
(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)
