I jokes

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

A man is doing a crossword and asks his wife for help.

Husband: Body of water, three letters.

Wife: Bay.

Husband: Flying insect with stinger, three letters.

Wife: Bee.

Husband: To hush someone, four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Husband: Boat Noah built, three letters.

Wife: Ark.

Husband: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

7 dwarves were in a room and they started feeling sleepy.

So he left.

My autistic brother just told me this one lmao.

Him: What's the most autistic vegetable?

Me: What?

Him: ice-sperg lettuce!

A woman asks her doctor if she can get pregnant from anal sex

He answers, "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?

Grab a cup of joe.

I had to quit my job as a gay pornstar...

....It was such a pain in the ass

Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day

I'm sorry

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Remarry

What type of clothing does Trump have a secret collection of?

Russian ties.

Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

An amnesiac walks into a bar...

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

I recently learned the phrase Stockholm Syndrome

I wasn’t a big fan of it at first, but I’ve grown to love it

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

Why does the population of Detroit never change?

Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

What do Mexicans use to cut pizzas?

Little Ceasers

Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike.

What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.