I jokes

How many 'Nam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!

A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

#1 Handjob Tip for Women:

Use your mouth.

What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?

They're both tree fellers.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out, maan!

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

Almost all coins look the same

This must be what we call a coincidence

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

My dad said "Always leave them wanting more."

That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.

Amazon

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I went to the store to get six sprite

It was only when I got home that I realized that I picked seven up.

Harry Potter: "Hermoine, I'm gay"

Hermione: "Are you kidding?" Harry: "No, I'm fucking Sirius"

I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.

He said, “I cum in peas.”

I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.

No ones given me a straight answer.

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!

... I'm sorry...

My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That's just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

What did the river say when it saw beavers approaching?

Well I'll be dammed...

Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer

You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.