Life jokes

Brother

My brother who has a stutter got life in prison

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence

Skydiver

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

Dad

My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)

Elon Musk

Why did Elon Musk abandon his Twitter acquisition?

He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

Viagra

I overdosed on viagra once

Hardest day of my life.

Pharaoh

Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Melon

If life give you melons...

You're probably dyslexic.

Class

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

Life lesson

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Australia, everyone knows it's down there but nobody gives a damn.

Anti-vaxxer

What's an Anti-Vaxxer kids favorite game?

Half Life

An old woman reaches the end of her life..

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

Mosquito

A mosquito landed on my wife's face while she was asleep

Easiest decision of my life

Girlfriend

My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.

We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.

What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.