Like jokes

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

Dark humor is a lot like food. Not everyone gets it.

Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator not a lift" and "it's chips not crisps," etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"

I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

How is the Quran like weed?

Burning that shit will get you stoned.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"

Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."

Mom: "Awww!"

Dad: "...Underwater."

They say “Dress for the job you want.”

How do I dress like a blow job?

I like my women like I like my phones

Thin, smart, imported from Japan, and in my pocket all the time.

A husband and wife were sleeping one night

When they wake up the next morning, the wife says, "I had a funny dream. I dreamt that there was an auction and they were auctioning off penis'. Little ones were $10, big ones were $100"

"How much was were the ones like mine going for?"

"They were giving them away."

"Well," He says, "I had a similar dream. I dreamed that there was an auction for vaginas. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100."

"What about ones like mine?" She inquires.

"That's where they had the auction!"

A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."

I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

Why do lesbians prefer going to Sports Authority?

They don't like Dicks...

Being on crutches is like being a woman

People won't always take you seriously, but at least they open doors for you!