Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:
" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "
An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:
" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "
Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."
One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”
And thus the giraffe was born.
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke? No.
Do you eat too much? No.
Do you go to bed late? No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?
Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"
A man is being examined by his doctor
The doctor starts looking very concerned. The man asks, "Doctor, what's wrong?" The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you can no longer masturbate." The man with a tear in his eye asks, "Doctor, why?" The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you."
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”
They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan
Because there is a tally-ban
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...
He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”
That literally just happened.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
A seatbelt.
How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...
He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.
First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer
than the men who mention it
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.
If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.
I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.