Is my wife a pervert?
So I was standing looking out my bedroom window whipping one off to my neighbors gorgeous wife who was sunbathing, when I turned around to see my wife standing there looking at me! So my question is do yous think she’s some sort of pervert?
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
How I lost my Teeth
I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”
I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.
So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”
My dental surgery is this Friday!.
Last night, I was laying in my bed, looking up the stars as I thought to my self..
Where the fuck is my roof??
President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...
...When one of his informants walks in to report, "Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda." Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness. "Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant. Bush brings his head up to look at the man and asks, "How many is a Brazilian, exactly?"
I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”
He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”
Doctor's orders for more peace in your life
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.
I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
I came here to make a United joke
But it looks like I got beat
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan
It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.
An English joke
American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.
American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."
The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and says "we have so much wine here that I can throw as much as I like over,"
The pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"
Two IT techs are at the local gun range.
After about 10 minutes of practice, one of the techs isn't able to hit the target. The other looks at him and says "What is your problem?"
The embarrassed IT tech puts his head down and says, "Troubleshooting."
"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"
"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.
She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“
“It was 1959“, says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."