A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.
The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.
First Time
**My new girlfriend says that our first sexual experience should feel like a fairy tale.**
**I'm looking for 7 midgets to join us this evening. No weirdos please.**
His visit to the eye doctor.
A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doctor answered, “probably not.”
A little Muslim kid can't find his mother
A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.
The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"
The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
A student visits the principal’s office one day...
The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...
... I knew I was in hot water.
Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday.
So I bought myself a 12 pack.
A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"
Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people look both ways before they start...
I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.
So I threw my fries on the ground too
A priest and a man are standing next to each other at a urinal...
The man cannot help himself and looks over at the priest. He notices the priest has a nicotine patch on his penis. Puzzled, the man asks, "Father why do you have a nicotine patch on your penis for?" The priest replies, "well, since I've started wearing these I am down to two butts a day."
An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."
I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.
If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.
Here's some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"
She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"
Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"
She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"