A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
She said "If we had kids I wonder what they would look like?"
I said "If we have kids, they'll be wondering what I look like."
I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars
I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
Why don't I like trees?
They look kinda shady to me
Why did the stormtrooper buy an iPhone?
Because he couldn’t find the droid he was looking for
Doctor: *looking through microscope* I've never seen anything like it before
Other doctors: *under their breath* its truly incredible
Me: so viagra won't help?
Two rapists
Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: "We are looking for two rapists." The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: "Okay, we're in."
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”
So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...
Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.
A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said
I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said,
"Well, show me your pocket than."
"What for?" I asked
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
Excuse me, can I smell your pussy ?
A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?” “Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man
It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in
“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”
The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”
The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”
The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”
“No, just one.”
The scientist slowly sits back in his chair. “Well next time don’t get my hopes up. Damn Russians...”
A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.
He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."
You may be a 6 in looks and a 7 in bed, but when it comes to piss play, baby...
Urinate.
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Happy Anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.
I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.
A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”
Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.
But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.