A toothbrush salesman at the mall
A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall. So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip. A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is. The salesman says "you really must try the dip" And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it. "Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!" The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....
He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.
Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it. So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.
Wonderwoman: Did you feel that strong gust of wind just now?
Invisible Man: Yeah, and on top of that my ass is killing me.
Czech and a Mexican
A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend" The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male
A man tells a Rabbi that he has the desire to live forever. "What can I do?"
The Rabbi said: "Go and get married."
"Will I then live forever?" the man asked.
"No, but the desire does go away".
My wife said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
One day, a cowboy rode into town.
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon. When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing.
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, and when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home."
A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.
His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often
They say I'm too much of a yes man
My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...
so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.
A man walks into the store to buy condoms
Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?
Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.
Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back. One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?" The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
A man was locked out of his apartment
He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock... Because end of the day, communication is key.
Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...
Avengers... Assemble
A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.
I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"
Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?
It's the pastryarchy.
Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day
Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?
Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace
Poor man - why a necklace ?
Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?
Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo
Rich man - why a dildo?
Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A Man and a Giraffe walk into a bar...
They sit down and order shot after shot after shot. Eventually, the giraffe passes out falling off his stool. As the man gets up to leave, the bartender says "hey you can't just leave that lyin' there!" The man responds, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Clock Shop
So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."