Me jokes

I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents.

So my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table. What was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

When I’m bored I text a random number: "I hid the body... now what?"

Why are orphans bad at poker? They don't know what a full house is.

Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy." Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's Goofy."

Why do orphans play GTA? So they can be wanted.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike. If the rubber breaks, you're in trouble.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.