Me jokes

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday"

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

What do giants and strippers both have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

How do you leave Vegas with 1 million?

Come with 2 million

"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....

It was a partridge on a par 3.

The difference between racism and Asians?

Racism has many faces.

What do you call a breakdancer with dwarfism?

A midget spinner

Happy Cinco De Mayo. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three

He says "uno, dos..." then disappears without a tres.

A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...

After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

If having sex for money makes you a whore

then having sex for free makes you a non-profit whoreganization

As I got older, I’ve developed this embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during my proctology exams.

It makes my patients feel really uncomfortable.

An Elderly Couple are at home...

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

I need help with my sex addiction...

I tried fucking everything!

ABORTION BILL

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?" The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."