Me jokes

Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up.

"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually from an overdose."

Wanna hear some famous last words? "We are just experiencing some turbulence."

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday; the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off; you won't bring it back!"

What is an orphan’s favorite event?

Homecoming.

What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday? Christmas because everything is hanging.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?" The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.

If you were food, what would you be?

Friend 1: Pizza because I’m so cheesy. Friend 2: Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends. Me: Donut because I’m so empty inside.

What game does an emo hate the most? Cut the Rope.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words? The Windows XP log-out sound.

What do depressed people and apples have in common? They both hang from trees.

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber, and I'm not gonna die the same way.

What show does an orphan hate? Family Guy.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator not a lift" and "it's chips not crisps," etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

What's a depressed person's favorite drink? Depresso espresso. JK, bleach.