Me jokes

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant." Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad." Wife: "No, you're not."

What flour do you give an orphan? Self-raising.

"I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

What's an orphan's favorite movie? Home alone.

"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.

"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.

"Go out with a big, loud bang!" That's what I say.

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.

I wanna be a Christmas decoration because they always do be hanging.

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump, Then the speed bump starts screaming.

How do parents punish their blind kids? They re-arrange the furniture.

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

I made a website for orphans; unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.

Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susie.

I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

So my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table. What was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.