At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...
... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.
"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"
"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."
The mugger
Two guys are walking home from a bar when a mugger approaches them in an alley with a knife and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?
Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers
Two ducks are having an affair.
hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.
“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”
“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”
I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run
If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .
The other day I spotted an albino dalmatian
Least I could do for it
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Wittle Wabbit
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
I’M LIVID.
What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.
They both barely cover the asshole. (gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).
If your crush is single...
It is 1v20
If she is taken...
It is 1v1
Work smarter not harder
My dog wouldn't stop chasing people on bikes.
In the end, I had to take his bike away.
A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."
The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...
That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.
What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?
Kill Bill.
Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident today...
Apparently some dick cut her off.
A student visits the principal’s office one day...
The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater...
...as "the most violent book I've ever read."
I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...
... I knew I was in hot water.
What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?
Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!