Me jokes

I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...

Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone...

No "F"s given.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

Educated People are hot

Why?

Because they have more degrees.

What do you call two crows on a branch?

Attempted murder.

Wanna hear a sodium joke?

Na

I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.

Once he went though, He said, 'Sank you'.

I Swore at him and kicked him in the Shin.

I Then said, 'Never bring up Pearl Harbor like that'

A drunk man at a bar shouts "all lawyers are assholes!"

Another man replies "TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole"

What do you call an overweight baby?

Heavy infantry

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon

The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.

I love the smell of my F5 key.

It's so refreshing.

As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod. 2. I am allowed to make dad jokes. 3. I am a certified mother fucker.

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.