Me jokes

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

Two IT techs are at the local gun range.

After about 10 minutes of practice, one of the techs isn't able to hit the target. The other looks at him and says "What is your problem?"

The embarrassed IT tech puts his head down and says, "Troubleshooting."

Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...

It's called wedding cake

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils...they dilate.

Why was Santa’s sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.

"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"

I'm not convinced faith can move mountain's

But ive seen what it can do to skyscrapers

Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette.

Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.

My wife only had sex with one man before me

It was a slow day

Guy orders 11 shots at a bar

Bartender says "What are you celebrating?" Guys says "My first blowjob" Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?" Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "

First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.

A wife asks her husband to sweep the house.

After 5 minutes she walks in on him playing video games, "I thought I asked you to sweep the house"

"It's clean", he replies, "I didn't find any hostiles"

My wife said I was a God in bed.

Her exact words were "You're a God damn pain in my ass," but I know what she meant.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards to enter the ocean?

If they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

If everyone spells your sons name wrong...

Then you spelled your sons name wrong