Me jokes

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

Saudi Arabia’s gay pride anthem

“We will! We will! Rock you!”

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

EA walks into a bar.

Unlock the punchline for $9.99.

It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.

You could hear the gunshots.

Mark went for a walk in the park.

As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"

He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"

There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.

"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.

Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"

"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".

Last night they held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

I was going to post a Michael Brown joke..

..but I'm afraid it would just get shot down.

What happens when you call a duck?

His phone wings

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

What's the difference between a Humanities student and a large order of pizzas?

One of them can feed a family.

How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama

One Mississippi

My gay friend just came out a couple of weeks ago.

Now the whole world is telling them to go back and stay inside.

Hey girl, are you a gorilla enclosure?

Because i'd put a baby in you

What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?

..accommodating.

There are a lot of double standards in dating. Like if a girl has sex with a bunch of dudes, she called a "slut."

If I do it, I'm called a "homosexual."

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

Why did the adobe acrobat document go to jail?

Because it was a pdf file.

A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke? No.

Do you eat too much? No.

Do you go to bed late? No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?