Me jokes

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass a bar.

(Credit to my Grandma’s friend)

The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.

When asked "Why didn't you laugh?" He responded " I don't work here"

Why cant miss piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

How do you make a hormone?

You pay her.

(This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.)

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

If you were born in September

It's safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang !

A wizard doesn't finger his wife...

Elixir

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I’m just after my money.

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Communist jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

A lady went into a sex shop and asked the attendant: "My good man, do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes," was the reply. "Come this way," he gestured, moving his finger.

"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

What do Caitlyn Jenner and Wolverine have in common?

They are both X-Men.