Myself jokes

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

What i If told you:

You read the title wrong.

How many dead lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 6, because my attic is still dark. Very dark.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue Paint

Fuck, I’m bored

I told my son to stop playing russian roulette

But you know how it is with these kids; In one ear, out the other.

For me, getting girls is like spreading butter...

It's much easier with a knife.

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf

I haven’t heard from him since.

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, an eyepatch, a parrot on his shoulder and a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender says, “you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants”.

The pirate replies with, “arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!”.

a man gets pulled over by a cop, and is asked for his license

officer: it says on your license that you need to be wearing glasses. driver: i have contacts. officer: i don't give a fuck who you know, buddy.

...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop.

Which really pisses me off, because that's what...

Alabama is canceling home schooling.

Apparently too many teachers were having sex with the students.

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

Student walks into professor's office

She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"

The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"

"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.

"Anything?"

"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.

"Would you....study?"

How do you cure depression ?

Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.

I'm voting for Trump...

I've never seen a president assassinated.

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy...

it feels good until you look down and realize you're gay.

Two electric windmills are standing in a field.

One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?" The second one replies "I'm a huge metal fan".