NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy
In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!
Pain.
Two young boys are waiting for their surgery...
“What operation are you having done?”
“Getting my tonsils out, what about you?”
“Circumcision”
“Oh that’s bad, I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year”
My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me
So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
It's so hot outside that I almost called my ex.
So I could be around something shady.
Scooby Doo is a procrastinator.
I've never heard him say, "Scooby Dooby Done!"
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Make your Betsy DeVos jokes soon..
While people can still read
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards
If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States
If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States
This is not a political post, I just want to travel
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine
Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...
She hugged me
Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?
Because Ubisoft is in France.
Where do dead people buy their cigarettes?
At the coroner store.
Saw a book on how to resolve 50% of your problems
I bought two
What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..?
Kill Bill.
Woman get 77 cents for every dollar a man earns.
Well, at least men get to keep the 23 cents.
Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?
Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"
I had a little car accident
On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.
This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....