Myself jokes

I went to a really emotional wedding yesterday. Nearly everybody was crying.

Even the cake was in tiers.

Bro, do you want a pamphlet?

Brochure

I saw a kidnapping at school

...so I woke him up.

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

Two rapists

Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: "We are looking for two rapists." The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: "Okay, we're in."

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”

Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house.

Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?.

A tearjerker

where do babies come from

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Two men discuss vasectomies...

First: "I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy, but I'm worried about performance..." Second:" I had one, I was worried at first but after a while I realized there just wasn't a vas deferens"

what is 40 feet long and only has 3 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.

So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

What did the suicide bomber instructor say...

I'm only going to show you this once.

I refused to believe I was gay AND dyslexic.

I was in Daniel.

I'm an auto mechanic...

So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.

But I do understand the Trans mission.

A straw man, a red herring, and a MacGuffin walk into a bar.

But this joke isn't about that.

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said

I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said,

"Well, show me your pocket than."

"What for?" I asked

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

Why does 0 = 1?

Cos 0 = 1