Myself jokes

Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events"

Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

Making love to a woman, is like playing a violin...

I don't know how to do it...

I made the Earth move for the last girl I had sex with.

And then I moved it back to the hole I had buried her in.

I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.

I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.

Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle?

In case of any night mares!

If you get seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed.

This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?

Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.

Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when they both are.

Teacher: "‌‌Use t‌‌he w‌‌ord '‌‌centimeter' i‌‌n a‌‌ s‌‌entence"

Student: "‌‌My g‌‌randma w‌‌as a‌‌rriving a‌‌t t‌‌he t‌‌rain s‌‌tation s‌‌o i‌‌ w‌‌as c‌‌entimeter."

Teacher: "‌‌No, n‌‌o, t‌‌hat's '‌‌Sent t‌‌o m‌‌eet h‌‌er'. O‌‌kay, t‌‌ry a‌‌nother o‌‌ne. U‌‌se '‌‌contagious' i‌‌n a‌‌ s‌‌entence p‌‌lease."

Student: "‌‌I h‌‌ad t‌‌o w‌‌ait a‌‌t t‌‌he t‌‌rain s‌‌tation f‌‌or h‌‌ours b‌‌ecause i‌‌t t‌‌ook t‌‌hat c‌‌ontagious!"

OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

Why are glasses required to do math?

because you need it for davision

I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins.

It just doesn't make cents.

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

I called up GameStop customer support

They told me to hold.

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.