Myself jokes

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

I never thought my baby daughter would go this far

Well, the catapult's fantastic!

Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.

Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...

Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"

Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."

Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

What's the shortest organ in a goat?

An ISIS member's dick.

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

When I was a lad, my father told me I should never go to a whore house.

He said that I might see something there that I shouldn't see.

When I turned 18, my curiosity got the better of me, and I went to a whore house. And I did see something I shouldn't see: I saw my dad there.

World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

"World peace" I said.

"Something more realistic!" she laughed

"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"

She reached for the phone.

"Who are you calling?" I asked.

"The United Nations" she replied.

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...

Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

Why are you flying with United Airlines?

Beats me.

You can't breathe through your nose when you're smiling

Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile

What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?

They both turn "o" into "O".

What did the gamer say when his girlfriend asked what World of Warcraft and League of Legends were?

"Wow, lol"

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?”

The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight. Then the son said “But I only see two.”

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"