Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, We need better break-up lines:
Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.
You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!
I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.
How to fall down stairs
* Step 1
* Step 2
* Step 4
* Step 15
This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register.
Dire times indeed.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses.
He could control sea.
Day 173 without sex
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
A redneck is pulled over by a policeman...
Policeman: Got any ID?
Redneck: About what?
One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...
This story sounds kind of ridiculous...
Dozen tit.
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake.
What a crepe.
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
An elderly couple goes to annual check up together
During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining what husband told him. Wife is shocked: "Oh bloody hell, he's been pissing in the fridge again!"
The First Rule Of Alzheimer's Club,
Is Don't Talk About Chess Club.
The porn industry is one step away from incest
“Step”
Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...
Guess I really am... Independent!
I overdosed on viagra once
Hardest day of my life.
What Makes ISIS Spread Faster Than The Internet?
An Airstrike.
There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.
That's their bare mini mum.
My wife yelled to me from upstairs.
Wife: "Do yo ever get a shooting pain across your body,
like someones got a voodoo doll of you and the're stabbing it.?"
Me: "No.. why."
Wife:. "How about now.?"
Congratulations to Donald J. Trump for winning
the silver medal in the 2020 U.S. Presidential race!
I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.
after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".
