Myself jokes

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What do Jesus and floppy discs have in common?

They died to become the icon of saving.

Who rings a doorbell three times? Indiends aring aging aging

What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11?

A supreme liter.

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!

My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

My 28yo wife asked me how old does she look

Apparently, 42 is not the answer to everything

What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian?

The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

“What did you do that for?” he asks.

“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.

“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”

“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”

An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."

The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."

I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support meeting...

So I just came in my pants.