Once jokes

I asked my wife if i was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words

Lazy

What do you call an ugly dinosaur?

An eyesaur

What do you call it when Condoleezza Rice pushes a stuck-up criminal down a flight of stairs?

Conde sending condescending con descending.

Tried to change my password to Twilight...

...but got an error message saying please re-enter as this contains too many useless characters :(

What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?

Oh, high marks

I went to a zoo but the only animal it had was one dog

It was a shih tzu

Jesus is doing a crossword when he shouts in frustration

I'm stuck on 2 across!

How is your first car like anal?

You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway.

This idiot beside me was texting and driving on the expressway

How irresponsible and dangerous. I was so mad I put my window down and threw my beer at him.

I ran over Five Miles this morning

Looking back, Five Miles is a terrible name for a dog.

Can we please stop posting chemistry jokes?

I keep seeing the same jokes reposted periodically.

So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill.

Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again.

This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

what did the archer ask the pepper?

"do you habanero?"

I thought of this tonight making dinner. I'm sure someone has thought of this before me, but figured I would share anyway.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

How did 8 kill 18?

8/8/18

I am a 100 days sober!

... Not in a row or anything, just total.

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...

"That's probably why they got flowers then..."