Once jokes

What do you call a girl that doesn't suck dick?

You don't.

Last time I stayed at a hotel I asked the front desk for a wake up call.

She called me twenty minutes later and said, "what the fuck are you doing with your life?"

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

I tried to take some High Res pictures of my farmland and fields.

They still came out pretty grainy.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

##

A PDF File.

Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts?

He doesn’t want to be spotted

The Honest Thief

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing if you're a cyclist cunt.

I hate spheres.

Why do they even exist? There’s no point.

A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"

The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"

The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"

From my dad.

A lady walked Into a pharmacy and spoke with the pharmacist

She asks the pharmacist if he has viagra. "I sure do" he responds. "Does it actually work?". "Of course it does." He responds. "Can you get it over the counter?" She asks.

"I can if I take two".

Doctor says alcoholism is a disease...

Bartender says get your shots here

What did the impatient emo do at the supermarket?

Cut in line.

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."

The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."

The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...

...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!

I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”