Extreme Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
A hooker goes to the doctor
She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant
"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"
"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female ?”
The customer says, “Female.”
The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”
The customer says, “White.”
The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”
The customer says, “What does religion have to do with it?”
The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up.”
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno...dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
(One of my favorite jokes for my cakeday)
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.
But, no one else would get it.
The mugger
Two guys are walking home from a bar when a mugger approaches them in an alley with a knife and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."
I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run
If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .
Wittle Wabbit
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.
They both barely cover the asshole.
(gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).
A student visits the principal’s office one day...
The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
A Priest and a Prostitute
One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.
Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"
The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"
One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;
then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...
A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"
So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...
**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.
**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.
**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?
**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.
**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?
What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?
Tell everybody
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
