One jokes

A little 5yo girl goes into a petshop

Hello, I want a little bunny

Worker: Sure, you want that small fluffy white one or the small puffy brown one?

Girl: I dont think my python cares...

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."

She told me, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

- Henny Youngman

I think it's best to wear two different deodorants, one for each armpit

But that's just my two scents

An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'

The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'

I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...

...When one of his informants walks in to report, "Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda." Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness. "Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant. Bush brings his head up to look at the man and asks, "How many is a Brazilian, exactly?"

Two people walk into a bar.

They see that the bartender is Eminem.

"Two shots please", one of them tells him

"Sorry. You only get one shot"

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

A blonde joke.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

A recent study shows that 9/10 men prefer women with big boobs.

I think the 10th one prefers the other 9.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”

She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”