A group of blondes walk into a bar,
all of them chanting "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They got a table and continued to yell "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They started hooting and high-fiving each other as well. Intrigued, the bartender walks over to the table and sees a finished child's puzzle with Sesame Street's Elmo on it. "What are we celebrating?" asks the bartender.
"We finished this puzzle in twenty-four days," said one of the blondes,"but the box label said '3 to 5 years'!"
One day, I went to a store and bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
They say certain types of people can resist a good click bait.
Apparently you aren’t one of them.
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.
Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die"
I was surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.
Perfect on the spot SFW joke
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
A gamer dies and goes to hell...
After one week, the devil goes to God:
\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!
The entire neighborhood got together to discuss what to do about that crazy guy on our street ...
... I'm a bit annoyed that I was the only one not invited.
So my 6yo tells me a joke
What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me something smells!
Wasted
A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband.
"I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
Is my wife a pervert?
So I was standing looking out my bedroom window whipping one off to my neighbors gorgeous wife who was sunbathing, when I turned around to see my wife standing there looking at me! So my question is do yous think she’s some sort of pervert?
A linguistics professor
... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
A man notices his wife's butt is getting big
I bet your butt is as big as my grill."
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you
really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for
one little weiner?"
A PS4 fan and an Xbox One fan started fighting! Someone call the ambulance!
*Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U*
