Other jokes

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?

Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

The Atlanta falcons just came out and said they won the Super Bowl

until the illegal second half was played.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

I like my women like I like my Uranium-235

Self-destructive, toxic, and decaying on the inside

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

**The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity**

What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?

Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...

I'm sorry..

Saw a woman get her nipple pierced in front of me at the bar last night.

On a side note, I am absolutely terrible at darts.

I plotted all of my past relationships on a chart

It had an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.

In Tribute

Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk

Man: you're on

Boy: how does sandpaper feel?

Dog: Ruff!

Boy: what's on top of a house?

Dog: Roof!

Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?

Dog: Ruth!

Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of here!

* Boy and dog walk away *

Dog to boy: should I have said Hank Aaron?

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it. Husband raises eyebrows. Wife: You shut up!

People who are afraid of pedophiles

Need to grow up

How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:

"Back in my day, it was Monday".

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored?

He racism.

Justice is a dish best served cold...

If it were served warm, it would be just water.