Other jokes

What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people look both ways before they start...

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road

They hold up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!" A passing driver yells, "You guys are crazy!" and shakes his head in disbelief as he speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires, and then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge out of order' instead?"

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

How do astronomers organize a party?

They planet.

Creative Writing

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.

The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed..

How could anyone stoop so low?

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die"

I was surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

Baby are you communist?

Because there is an uprising in my lower class

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq

.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

I often wonder if my Thai girlfriend is actually a ladyboy...

Something inside me says, yes.

Fun fact : Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.