Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar...
It was in tense.
A boy asks his dad about his past.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road
They hold up a sign that reads,
"The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells,
"You guys are crazy!" and shakes his head in disbelief as he speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires, and then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge out of order' instead?"
Two condoms walk past a gay bar
One says to the other "what do you say we go in there and get shit-faced?"
Why is nostalgia like grammar?
We find the present tense and the past perfect
I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window
"Wanted: Apprentice"
So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.
He said "I had to fire him"
I asked "why?"
He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"
"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"
He said "I fired her as well"
How I learned to miknd my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!
I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.
I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
Now that Trump has been banned from Twitter, we finally learned the past tense of the verb "Tweet."
Twat
I think my co-workers are gay
Every time I walk past them in the office, they always whisper "What an ass"
So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today
I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was.
" They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.
Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
Why can't you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
I was driving past a prison the other day...
Looking out my window, I glanced up and saw a dwarf scaling down a very tall fence. It was obvious he was breaking out of the prison. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with an angry stare like “wtf the fuck are you looking at?”
I drove away and thought to myself that was a little condescending.
A man is walking past the mental hospital
through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.
How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19?
There's been two mass shootings in the past week
I plotted all of my past relationships on a chart
It had an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past...
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...
It’s the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.”
One pledge raises his hand and asks, “How much for a season pass?”
