A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”
"Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence "
I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.
Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”
Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars
I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.
I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.
Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover?
Southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.
The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.
I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
I met a lovely lady last night.
Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance,so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.
And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake."
Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?
Because he was between a cock and a charred place.
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"
I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard
From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.
Where is the best place to hide after killing someone?
Behind a badge..
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.
"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.
She said, "Yeah..."
I said, "It's 9pm and my house."
Day 173 without sex
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
Beer
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.
I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"
My buddy told me he always cries after sex.....
I told him it was his fault for getting sent to prison in the first place