Play jokes

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he is dead.

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...

- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all... - Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.

At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"

She hangs up and turns towards her lover :

- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"

Studying for finals is like playing Tetris

just when you seem to get the facts to fit together, all that you thought you learned disappears.

Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.

What did the woman say after she was hit on by the Pillsbury Doughboy?

"No thanks. I'm not into roll play."

Kids may be a gift.....

But I like playing with the box it came in.

My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That's just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar

it was queen and they were playing their first gig

My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

We were so poor when I was growing up

If I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

Did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Nickelback

I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....

I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes

U2 was playing a concert in Ireland...

Bono took a pause after one of his songs, waited for the arena to go silent, and started clapping very slowly.

He then spoke softly "Everytime I clap" *clap* "A child dies in Africa" *clap*

And that's when some drunk guy stood up and shouted "Well then stop clapping you asshole!"