A woman purchases an antique mirror...
in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off
What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?
Do you see what I see?
My grandad just passed away...
We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.
So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said...
"Staring contest... GO."
As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.
Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.
My brother took being sent to prison really badly.
He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.
That was the last time we played monopoly.
Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?
He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it. Some people have no consideration for others.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
I told my son to stop playing russian roulette
But you know how it is with these kids; In one ear, out the other.
Student walks into professor's office
She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"
The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"
"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.
"Anything?"
"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.
"Would you....study?"
When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly
Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly
Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....
It was a partridge on a par 3.
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
My neighbor was banging on my door at three in the morning.
It's a good fucking thing I was up playing my bagpipes.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...
One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,” but Newton replied, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”.
The Atlanta falcons just came out and said they won the Super Bowl
until the illegal second half was played.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
“The cat is dead,” he replied coldly.
She cried out and said, “You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing’s dead!
No reply. The wife sighed sadly, “Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
I wrote a theatrical performance on puns
Really, it was just a play on words.
My girlfriend just freaked me out...
she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?
Why do dwarves laugh when they play soccer?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service
You just play games.