Politician jokes

A left leaning politician walks into a bar

The bartender asks: Have you received therapy for your scoliosis yet?

A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig

the letter “f”

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

What do lesbians and politicians have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

Black man kills conservative politician!

The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

A politician visited a village in India

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.”

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sat there doing nothing.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and another to show his dick to an intern once the light's on.

ABORTION BILL

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?" The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."