Reading jokes

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.

Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?

A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater...

...as "the most violent book I've ever read."

Did you read the joke about the waiters that ran into each other?

I couldn't, the servers crashed.

A man lost his penis in a car accident...

He's obviously devastated. Although a lawsuit after the accident wins him £9000. During a check up with the doctor he is offered an experimental procedure. They can read build his penis at the price of £1000 per inch. Extatic, he tells the doctor he will discuss it with his wife and return tomorrow with an answer. The next day comes round and the doctor asks what the decision is. The man replies dejected "we are getting a new kitchen".

Harry was blind...

... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road

They hold up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!" A passing driver yells, "You guys are crazy!" and shakes his head in disbelief as he speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires, and then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge out of order' instead?"

Creative Writing

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.

The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die"

I was surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body. Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight. I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

I’m reading a book that tries to compare different versions of The Bible.

There is a lot of cross referencing.

Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?

The newspaper headlines the next day read:

#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#

I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.

I tried it... It doesn't work!!

However they have stopped squeaking.