A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says:
-Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar.
The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him:
-What does the Priest give to people for anal sex?
-Usually a hamburger and a coke.
"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.
Why does Gordon Ramsay hate unprotected sex?
It's fucking raw
I had sex with my girlfriend and it was just like in the movies...
I was fast and she was furious
During sex with my wife,
I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"
And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
My favorite sex position is the JFK.
I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
My wife only had sex with one man before me
It was a slow day
You should never have sex with anyone in your family...
Even if they inceest.
A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.
“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”
“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....
“That’s the spirit!”
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
The Rodeo...
So two cowboys are talking about sex and the various positions when one of them mentions "the Rodeo."
So the second cowboy says to him, "I didn't know the Rodeo was a sex position. How do you do that one?"
The first cowboy explains. "So what you do is you penetrate your girl from behind. Then you reach around and grab her boobs, lean over, and whisper in her ear, 'These are almost as big as your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after sex?
I'll be home in 20 minutes.
A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.
He orders a drink.
The other day I had sex with my third cousin.
She was way better than the other two.
A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk
He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"
Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."
The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.
The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex.
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...
A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.
The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right breast once, sound good?”. The husband agrees, and picks up the pen, “If you want to have sex with me, pull my dick once, if you don’t want to have sex with me pull my dick 1,345 times, sound good?”.
It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.
I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.
A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his
penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replied: "Because I really miss mine".
