Sex jokes

Australians don't have sex...

Australians mate.

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.

If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...

There was a lot riding on me.

I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

There are a lot of double standards in dating. Like if a girl has sex with a bunch of dudes, she called a "slut."

If I do it, I'm called a "homosexual."

What does Stephen Hawking say after sex? That was wheelie good.

A kid asks his dad, "Dad, what is sex?"...

The dad is shocked. He goes into an internal struggle of whether to scold him or to tell him. Finally he decides to tell him and gives the kid the most eloquent explanation of sex complete with foreplay techniques and sex positions. The kid frowns after he's done and asks "So what do I put on the school admission form?"

My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.

He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"

"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.

"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

So two people are about to have sex for the first time

and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"

To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."

After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"

"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."

Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts

A lady went into a sex shop and asked the attendant: "My good man, do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes," was the reply. "Come this way," he gestured, moving his finger.

"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"

After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with two people is called a twosome...

then I know why people call you handsome.

I was walking in the park...

..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex.

God do I love my new taser.

What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?

They both get stoned after sex.

A woman asks her doctor if she can get pregnant from anal sex

He answers, "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first

It’s ok i will come inside..