She jokes

I got kicked out of the hospital!

Apparently the sign “STROKE PATIENTS HERE” meant something completely different.

Two boys sitting to pee

Two five year old boys are sitting at the potty to pee.

When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.

" What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."

" How old were you when it was cut off?"

" My mom said that I was two days old."

" Did it hurt?"

" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"

What do you call a person that takes care of chickens?

A Chicken Tender.

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.

I just can't part with it.

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

Why did Joseph have to sweep the stable floor?

Because there was no Roomba at the inn.

The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down

I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.

Why don't Italians do bondage?

Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.

So Einstein finally finished that theory of his about space

It's about time too

Why didn't the polite coder get hired?

The job required SASS

What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?

Mortgage Freeman

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

My wife just left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!"

Two elves walk into a bar

The dwarf laughs and walks under it

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sat there doing nothing.

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.